Hunt or be Hunted!
by The Flaming Alberto
Summary: In this story (which has little to nothing to do with the title), Mullock the Glukkon hires a galaxy-reknown bounty hunter to dispose of Abe. Wacky hilarity ensues. (Rated PG-13 for LOTSA' cartoony violence)
1. Chapter 1

**Hunt or be Hunted**  
Chapter 1

Molluck the Glukkon stared down with malace at what remained of Rupture Farms. Once the biggest, most successful business on Oddworld, it was now reduced to nothing but rubble. And it was all the fault of one moronic Mudokon named Abe, who single-handedly destroyed everything in his path and saved all 99 enslaved Mudokons from the farms.

Molluck glared evilly. Nothing, not even his highest-ranking Sligs could put Abe out of commission. But he had an idea of how to repay the Mudokon for his actions! Molluck glared back at a Slig who was, as usual, staring stupidly into the abyss.

[Molluck: **HEY YOU!!!**

The Slig suddenly whipped around and saluted.

[Slig: Yes sir!?!

Molluck straightened his back out, making himself look very important.

[Molluck: Get me...

Camera closes up on Molluck's ugly mug for dramatic purposes.

[Molluck: _THE PHONE BOOK!_

The Slig saluted and ran off. After a minute or two, it came back and slammed a large phone book on a table. Molluck turned and opened it. Without hands at that! Molluck glared at the Slig, the Slig shivered.

[Molluck: Get me the one with the **_YELLOW PAGES_, DARNIT!!!** Molluck chucked the phone book at the Slig. It ran back off to get another phone book.

[Slig: _Yeah, I gotcher yellow pages right here..._

[Molluck: **WHAT WAS THAT!?!**

[Slig: Nuthin' boss!

The Slig came back with a yellow-paged phone book and slammed it down on the table yet again. Molluck searched around in the book until he came upon what he was looking for, an ad which read "Hunter 4 Hire".

[Molluck: Aha!!

Molluck picked up the phone and dialed the number.

[Slig: Whatcha' doin', boss!?

[Molluck: **SHUTUP!!!** It's _ringiiing!_...

After a second or two, someone responded on the other line.

[Bounty hunter: What!?

[Molluck: Hello, is this Samus Aran?

[Samus: Yeah, what of it?

[Molluck: I read your ad in the phone book and I would like to hire you to kill someone!

[Samus: Name your price...

[Molluck: How does 50,000,000,000 dollars sound?

[Samus: Hmm... Well it's chicken feed, but I haven't killed anything in the last 5 seconds, so I'll do it!

[Molluck: Good, now the address is-

[Samus: I know where you live!

Samus hung up. Molluck looked uneasily at the phone, then slowly hung up as well. Molluck then smirked.

[Molluck: Hahahahaha... Soon that little blue headache will be nothing more then a bad memory! **_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!_**

The Slig looked around, then decided to laugh too.

[Slig: **MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

[Molluck: **_BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!_**

[Slig: Who we talkin' about, boss?

[Molluck: Abe, you dolt!!

[Slig: Oh yeah!

[Molluck & Slig: **_MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!_**

[Molluck: Haw haw haw!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hunt or be Hunted**  
Chapter 2

A small yellow-and-orange gunship landed just outside of the remains of Rupture Farms. Suddenly, a hatch on the top of the ship opened up and a creature came out of it. The creature had a body shaped slightly similar to that of a Mudokon's but less exaggerated. It was also clad in a huge, bulky, reinforced cybernetic suit with a gun attached to its right arm. Mullock grinned at the sight of it.

[Molluck: Ahh... Samus, 'bout time you got here!

[Samus: Shut up, fathead, and tell me who my target is!

Molluck grinned happily.

[Molluck: Ah! Right down to business! That's what I like about you, you-

Suddenly, Samus shoved her gun-arm in Molluck's face.

[Samus: If you want to keep your head, you'll shut up now and give me my mission!

Mullock's eyes grew large. The Slig snickered.

[Molluck: Uh... Erm.. Hehe... Okay, you're the boss!

Molluck turned around and grabbed a piece of paper out of the Slig's hand and showed it to Samus. It was a wanted poster of a scrawny, 3-fingered blue creature with big eyes, a big head, and an odd orange-and-purple striped ponytail. It was holding a card which read "Hello! My name is Abe!"

Samus glared at Molluck.

[Samus: This!? _THIS!?!_ This is what you want me to kill!?! I eat bigger things for breakfast than this little puke!

[Molluck: Trust me, he may look little, but he's a menace to society!

[Samus: I couldn't care less! Can't you just sic your little squid-faced goon over there on him?

Samus pointed over at the Slig, noticing that it was holding a machine gun.

[Molluck: Trust me, we tried, but our powers are useless against this monstrosity!

The Slig looked over at Molluck sadly.

[Slig: Wha... Whadd'ya mean, boss!? Ya' sayin' I'm no good no more?

Molluck glared at the Slig.

[Molluck: That's exactly what I'm saying! Now _shutup_!!

The Slig lowered its head. Molluck looked back over at Samus.

[Samus: I'm not takin' the job!

[Molluck: **_WHAT!?!_**

[Samus: You heard me! I expected something big! Not this weird little turd you gave me!

[Molluck: Hey you're being paid, ain'tchya'!?!

Samus fell silent for a second.

[Samus: I suppose... Well, I'll want double my pay!

[Molluck: **_WHAT!?!?!?!?_**

[Samus: You heard me! I've got a thousand better things to do right now than chase down some little bug eyed freak! But, if I _HAVE_ to, then I want double my payment!

[Molluck: NO!! If anything, I should pay you half! That is, if it's so easy for you...

Samus aimed her gun at Molluck's face yet again.

[Molluck: But, then again, if you _REALLY_ want double, go ahead!

[Samus: That's what I thought you said...

Samus pulled her gun away from Molluck's kisser.

[Molluck: Now, your target can be found-

[Samus: I'll find him...

With that, Samus walked off. Molluck stood with a vacant expression on his face.

[Molluck: ...Well that could have gone better...

Molluck walked off as the Slig stood glaring at where Samus had walked off.

[Slig: You'll pay for this Samus Aran, you'll pay dearly! **NOBODY TAKES A SLIG'S JOB AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!**

Molluck at the Slig.

[Molluck: Shut up!


	3. Chapter 5, I mean 3

**Hunt or be Hunted**  
Chapter 3

Samus walked through the deep regions of Necrom, the ancient Mudokon burial sight. Samus stopped and looked around.

[Samus: He's here... _Somewhere_...

Samus looked around some more, then walked on. Suddenly, Samus came upon just what she was looking for. Abe smiled stupidly as always and waved to her!

[Abe: Hey there! My name's Abe!

Samus pointed her gun straight at Abe's face and blasted it clear off its shoulders! Abe's body collapsed on the ground.

[Samus: That was even easier than I'd expected...

Samus walked off.

[Samus: I'll need _triple_ my payment for that...

But Samus had no idea what she was up against! Suddenly, Abe's carcass began to fizzle away. The sound of this drew Samus' attention and she looked back to see what was going on. Suddenly, Abe's body BURST into a handful of little birds! Samus looked at this with mild interest. She shrugged and walked off.

[Samus: _Whatever_... It's dead, that's all I care...

Suddenly, the birds that came from Abe's body flew in front of Samus and reformed into Abe!

[Samus: **--THE HELL!?!**

[Abe: Hey, now that hurt!

Samus blasted Abe right through the chest! Yet again, Abe burst into birds which reformed his body!

[Abe: Somehow I don't think you want to be my friend!

Samus pelted the dopey demi-god with many a plasma-powered blast.

[Abe: I don't think I like you!

Abe died and was reformed again.

[Abe: Well, it's been nice meeting you and all, but... **Gotta' go!**

With that, Abe very cartoonily _(is that even a word?)_ dashed off. Samus followed in hot pursuit.

[Samus: **Come back here, you little freak! You can't hide from Samus Aran!**

Samus chased Abe until they came up to a cliff. Abe did not see the cliff coming, though, and fell down head-first.

[Abe: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

Abe hit the ground with an audible **KERSHPLAT!!** Samus looked down to see if she could find any remains. Samus started to walk off when suddenly an all-too-familiar voice spoke up!

[Abe: Alright, I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice but to use **_BRUTE FORCE!!_**

Abe ran full force at Samus and lightly slapped her armor. Abe grabbed his hand in pain.

[Abe: Owie! Owie! Owie! _Owie!!_

Abe shook his hand, then glared at Samus and snarled. He then ran headlong at Samus, swinging his fists like an idiot! Samus grabbed his head just as he was about two feet from her, keeping him from even touching her. Samus then blasted a missle at Abe's cranium, knocking it clear off and hitting a tree, exploding on impact. Samus then blasted Abe's body until it disintegrated! But, of course, Abe came back! Kinda' like a grisly version of that song, "The Cat Came Back" huh?

Samus glared over at Abe.

[Samus: This isn't possible! You should be dead five times over now!!

Abe, on the other hand, looked very angry and that may have been a threat it he wasn't so scrawny and weak! 

[Abe: **_I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!_**

Suddenly Abe threw back his hands in a Dragon Ball Z power-up pose.

[Abe: **_YEEAAARRGH!!!_**

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light! As the light disappeared, Abe showed that he was no longer Abe! He was a large red and yellow beast with four peg-like legs and two equally peg-like arms. He had a HUGE jaw and little spider fingers around his head.

[Shrykull: **ROAR!!!** _(No, literally, it just said "roar!")_

Samus looked at the Shrykull. She then aimed her gun at it.

[Samus: I'm getting paid quadruple for this!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hunt or be Hunted**  
Chapter 4

The Shrykull and Samus prepared for battle with a whole bunch of those stupid-looking DBZ poses. After about an hour of this, Samus looked up.

[Samus: Hey, can we fight yet?

Shrykull looked over at Samus.

[Shrykull: Just wait. I got three more poses left!

Shrykull gave three more poses, then looked back over at Samus.

[Shrykull: Okay, now we can fight!

The Shrykull and Samus lunged into battle. Samus fired many a missle at the beast, each bouncing off ineffectively. Shrykull took a swipe at Samus, but missed as Samus curled into a Morph Ball. Samus rolled under the Shrykull then placed a Power Bomb under it... this also had no effect. Samus jumped out of Morph Ball just as the Shrykull fired out a beam of electricity. The Shrykull sent many lightning bolts at Samus, each one missing. Samus then switched to her strongest gun, and for all you Metroid fans out there you can say it along with me too, THE PLASMA GUN!!! Samus powered up the Plasma Gun, as Shrykull powered up yet another thunderbolt. They then both fired out the attacks at the same time. Both attacks hit each other, causing a **huge** explosion sending both Samus and the Shyrkull flying.

As they got back up to prepare to battle again, a very scratchy voice spoke up.

[Slig: **_Hey, Samus!!_**

Samus and the Shrykull looked over at six Sligs who all looked very disgruntled. All the Sligs aimed their guns at Samus.

[Slig: **CHOKE ON THIS!!!**

With that, all the Sligs fired at Samus until all their ammo was gone. Each shot hit Samus directly, but since she was clad in a huge reinfored metal suit, it did absolutely no damage.

One Slig slapped his... "forehead". If they even have one.

[Slig: Oh that's _right_, she wears a metal suit, bullets don't do anything against her.

Samus then killed each Slig with one shot. Shrykull looked over at Samus.

[Shrykull: Can we continue fighting now?

[Samus: Oh, by all means!

Samus then leaped at the Shrykull and blasted like there was no tomorrow at the beast. After about what a seemed an hour of this, Samus stopped. The Shrykull wasn't even scratched!

[Shrykull: Are you quite done?

[Samus: Yeah, that's pretty much my whole thing.

The Shrykull took one swipe at Samus and sent her flying back. Just as Samus was about to get up, the Shrykull walked up to her.

[Shrykull: Samus, this is pointless! You can't kill me, I'm indestructible! And there's no need for me to kill you, either! Well, besides the point that you tried to kill me, but, then again, who hasn't?

Samus glared at the Shrykull.

[Samus: **NEVER!!** Samus Aran _never_ gives up!!

Samus got up and shot at Shrykull. The shot promptly bounced off its head.

[Shrykull: _See_? It won't do you any good! Now look, I've got an idea that will help both of us!

[Samus: All I care about is money! Unless you got some **MAJOR** boffos, get outta' my face!

Shrykull smirked at Samus.

[Shrykull: I don't have any money, but I know someone who has a lot!

All of a sudden, BigFace appeared, rolling about and kicking his heels in a **HUGE** pile of money while "We're in the Money" played.

[Shrykull: And if you help me you'll get _FAR_ more than just triple your pay!

Samus and Shrykull looked at each other. After a minute or two, Samus and Shrykull shook hands.

[Samus: Who's my target?

Samus walked up to where she first met Molluck.

[Molluck: It's about time! **_GEEZ!!_** Sure took ya' long enough for somethin' so easy! I'd hate to see how long it would take you if you're against something _big_!

Samus walked up to Molluck slowly.

[Samus: .........

[Molluck: So did ya' kill him or _what_!?!

Samus kept walking slowly and silently.

[Samus: .................

[Molluck: **Hey, I'm talkin' to you!! Did ya' kill him or not!?**

Samus got to about a foot away from Molluck.

[Samus: ..................................

Molluck looked up at Samus.

[Molluck: _Well?_

Samus pointed her gun right in Molluck's face.

[Molluck: _Huh boy_... IIIIIIIIiiIIiIIiii'm gonna' die, aren't I?

**END!**


End file.
